I am a firm believer in the meaning of a name. When my parents chose our names, they waited for what they thought God wanted for us, and in my opinion, there is a reason why we all have the names that we do. We were meant to have them.
My name, Allyson, means "truthful one".
My parents were always proud of this. They always have and still do encourage me to be honest. My Mom always reminds me, "Well your name does mean truthful one." She has always been proud of me for wanting to be honest, and that is something special, something I have always admired about myself.
I not only find freedom in truth, but seeing truth in situations and not being able to do a thing about it eats away at me. One thing I CANNOT stand in this world is injustice, and unspoken truth. I have always been this way. The desperate need to honest, to be truthful, is as much a part of me as anything else.
What always gets in my way of being honest, is my fear of what others will think of me. Why do we waste so much time and energy on worrying about what others will think of us? Who out there has the right to point a finger in the first place. Perfection doesn't exist, no matter how hard or how long we search. We are all different, yet have one thing in common: we are all doing the best we can to get through this life. Everyone has their own struggles, their own heartache. I have always been a judgmental person. I hate this about myself. If someone acts, looks, talks differently than I do, I usually judge them. If they think differently, feel differently, or have different beliefs than I do, I judge them. I am very proud of myself, because I have been trying the past few years to change this poisonous way of thinking. We all have our issues, and what makes me better than anyone else? I stand firm in my beliefs and believe them to be right, but isn't that what it's all about? We all find our own paths, our own truths, our own lives. Yours is right for you, and mine is right for me. I truly love many people and see the beauty they posses. I am very thankful that no one else is like me. I love being different than anyone else, and I love being around people who are different than me. We all share a familiarity.....the daily ups and downs that are thrown our way, the heartache, the laughter, the need for community, and most of all, the need for love and acceptance.
Perhaps my struggle comes mostly from not being able to love and accept myself. I judge myself more than I judge anyone else. I have never been good enough. This is what I always hear. I heard it growing up, from many people I loved (for all the wrong reason), and I hear it from myself everyday. Loving and accepting yourself is a long journey, maybe impossible, I don't know. I am trying to get there though and every day I feel a step closer. I have my faults, I will be the first to admit it, but I also have good qualities that I am thankful for. I believe honesty and truth are my good qualities, and I am very thankful for them.
The sad and difficult weight that comes with truth is how difficult it can make your life. It is not supposed to be this way. We are made to love and to be honest, to defend those who are in need, and lend a helping hand whenever another falls down. Life is full of lies. You have to lie to get to where you need to be, to protect your reputation, to protect yourself. You have to lie to get through life. I'm not saying that everything is a lie, but I do believe it is out there WAY more than the truth is. If everyone told the truth, I think we would find the people we have always known to be a lot different than they are. We all posses our own truth and our own lies.
I have always tried to be honest, to fulfill this incredible need I have to be truthful, to the best of my ability. At times, it is not an option. There have been times in my life I have been able to be nothing but honest, but a lot more where I have not. Being mistreated in relationships, friendships, with family, professionally, with myself....I have not always been honest. I allow myself to be treated this way without speaking up,defending myself, and defending others around me. Sometimes life makes you sit down, keep your mouth shut, and turn the other cheek. I don't know if it is supposed to be this way. I constantly struggle with wondering, every day, in every situation if I am supposed to be honest, brutally honest, while protect mine and the other person's feelings or simply keep my mouth shut.
I cannot find the balance between the two.
This lifestyle is by far the most difficult time I have ever had trying to find the right balance between the two. Only those in our situation can understand this. I have never seen so much injustice in my life. So many are treated terribly, it is sickening. The very few who always do what is right are always treated the worst. If the world was fair, the good people would always get ahead. In this world, it is almost the complete opposite. The honest men and women are the ones who have the greatest struggle. This is what makes us liars. We cannot defend ourselves, and we cannot be honest. Instead we all play this game of silence and who's who. If we could be honest, if what is right would persevere, everything around here would change and I honestly don't think it would survive. We must be quiet, and we must continue.
While I desperately want to be honest and truthful, I know that most of the time, I cannot. In some situations I will be. Judge me if you want to....the only person it hurts is you. If I judge you, then it is only hurting me. There is no point. I do not have to like everyone, but I don't have to judge them. There are some out there I will never like, and I have no problem being honest and telling them why. That is the truth. No judgement, just brutal honesty about the person you choose to be.
We all have our own truths, and we have the right to voice them, just usually not the opportunity.
Think what you will about everyone, about me, about what I write. If you disagree then I can honestly say for the first time in my life, the truth is.....I couldn't care less!
No comments:
Post a Comment